i am no hero. i am not a role model. i want everything that i don't have. and that i shouldn't want. and i wish that could change. i guess it's just the human condition. and it sucks.

also, i've been having crazy dreams again. i guess it's not too crazy, because i have them all the time. but my first dream was about my teeth falling out. 9 of my teeth just started falling out. i had these huge holes in my gums. they felt just like the ones when i had my wisdom teeth taken out, but these were my front teeth on the top row. i also had 4 mini teeth fall out from one of the holes where one of my regular teeth was. it was very strange. maybe i've been watching too many shark week specials. then the next night i had a dream that my fingers were falling off one by one. i guess i'm afraid of losing body parts? hahaha. weird.

so it's been a few months since i last posted anything. not much to report i guess. well, false. a lot to report. but i don't really feel like revealing the world. i didn't end up going to beach project this summer. i had to retake a class. oh well. that's life. i do have to say that i've been learning a lot lately. and i've been stretched so much in the past month even. i've been confronting everything i believe and i've had to decide if i really do count those things as my priority. when something huge happens in your life, and the dust begins to settle, what's left? because i think we hold on to things that don't matter.

my sister Lindz and I were at Starbucks today and we were talking about idols in our lives. she explained idols in a way i've never heard before. she said that we all have a personal "hell". whether our hell is being alone, or being poor, or being ugly, we all have something that would be the worst thing in the world to us. and those "hells" usually indicate our idols. for the person whose hell is being alone, other people are their idol. for those who fear being poor, money and security are their idols. for those who fear being ugly, beauty and vanity might be the foxes in their fields. so whatever we cling to that isn't God is our idol. because if losing that thing makes our life a living hell, then that "thing" has entirely too much value. so i'm trying to delve into what my personal hell would look like, and then derive what my idols are from that hell. unfortunately, i can already figure around 4 personal hells. i guess idols have seeped in when i wasn't watching for them or guarding against them.

so, what is your personal hell? and what are your idols?

trust

so i'm learning the importance of trusting the Lord a ton lately. i mean, honestly, He can do everything that i cannot do. and He does it so much better! it's freeing really. to know that i can't do anything that has legit merit. only through Christ, only by His grace and in His power, can anything be accomplished. and man, that takes a huge weight off of my shoulders. it's a beautiful thing.

things i'm learning to trust Christ with:

-being myself, and letting that be okay because Christ made me that way

-finances, especially with summer leadership project this summer

-relationships: first with guy-girl relationship drama. i'm letting Jesus take all that from me and have the control, because again, He does a way better job at handling it. secondly, with friendships. He is taking best friends from me and growing me through it, and giving me beautiful new friendships which is awesome.

-grades, cuz i suck at school this semester. but i also know that He wants me to do missions, and nursing will allow me to do that. so i'm gonna trust Him to get me through nursing school.

-my appearance. i'm learning to trust God even when i look like crap or when i sound super unintelligent (since i articulate so so well, ha). and that's also freeing. cuz i can appear like anything to people and it's okay. cuz i'm secure in the rock that is Jesus Christ.

that's all i can think of right now, but that's pretty much most of my life right now. ha. i am so thankful for the grace, provision, and abundance that the Lord lavishes on us. we don't deserve a lick of it. and good grief, He hands it out in bundles.

also, on a more surface note, i'm going to panama city beach on saturday, which is technically tomorrow since it's 1:30 in the morning. i am beyond psyched actually! i have been craving the beach. and also, it will serve as some much needed girl time, since i need a break from the male species. i am also excited about being back there. it feels a little like a second home. i'll be spending all summer there again, and i can't wait. the Lord is so good to me at the beach. i remember Him every time i even hear those crazy awesome waves. i am also excited about being tan, playing volleyball, swimming til i'm ravenous and exhausted, and playing around in the sand.

today was kinda sucky for me because i, in essence, lost a friendship today. that sounds melodramatic, but it kinda is, so....ha. but i also got to talk to my new biffle, promise today. he rocks my face off. and it reminded me once again, that i can just rely on Jesus for provision. where one friend is lost, a new friend is found. also, i got to chat with mi mama. it was awesome. i miss her tons. i get to see her in a week. along with the rest of my fam. love love love them. and can't wait for haley's graduation. she's so grown up. family time!

also, random, but i am pretty much obsessed with adoption and foster care. i want to take in a whole bunch of kids and love on them. i mean, i want my own kids, but mostly adopted and foster care kids, cuz they need to be told that they are loved. unconditionally and immensely. i can't wait til i am old enough to do foster care. i checked it out and even if i'm still single, i can do foster care! so if i don't get married in the next 5 years or so, i'm totally doin it. cuz good grief, those are precious years where i can love on some kids. plus, i'll have a steady nursing income. so i can provide for him or her. :) being single is nice sometimes.

to clear up my last post, i have just been discouraged, and also encouraged lately. i've been discouraged because i hardly ever see a good working relationship. and it's frustrating. the relationships that i think are headed for marriage suddenly show up on facebook as single. i think what is ultimately frustrating is that most of these relationships end because neither person is willing to sacrifice or to give 110%. i mean, i guess it can happen to anyone. it's just discouraging. but because of this discouragement, i'm also encouraged because i know that the Lord will never declare Himself "single". He already gave His son for our sake. He gives everything. and i love that He has given me singleness for a season. it's awesome. so much can be accomplished for His name without worrying about a guy.

alright, i need to go to bed now. but i had lots on my mind. so i had to share. ooh, and i bought new pomegranate shampoo and conditioner today. it's amazing. it smells like an italian soda that i had last summer and i love it.

I am inclined to believe that very very few relationships actually work out. Thank you Jesus Christ for singleness and for being one relationship that I can depend on.

Ooh la la.

So it's crazy how many things can happen in such a short time! Here's a short write up of what's goin on right now:

• for starters, i'm listening to mamma mia. it's distracting. i'm gonna turn it off. good grief.
• secondly, i had my last clinical of the year yesterday. it was awesome. slow, boring, and short, but it's done. mm mmm.
• i am slowly becoming tan thanks to Jergen's natural glow. haha. whatevs. we all know we want to be tan. it's better to be tan without gettin skin cancer.
• i'm going to be a room leader for SLP this year. that is a new development. i'm excited, and yet super nervous.
• i'm makin pretty good money by sketching stuff for people. it's pretty awesome. i never anticipated getting any feedback, so i'm really excited.
• i've had a craving lately to wear a dress. so i'm gonna. tomorrow.
• i'm going to panama city for a retreat with BCM. i'm psyched. mostly about the sun, kate, and courtney.
• pinkberry is totes the best huncal fro yo. haha. best youtube video evs. Boys Will Be Girls. hahaha. awesome.

that's about it for now. my last class is on monday! i'm psyched. and my last final is a week from today! WOO HOO! so excited. mmm. best evs.

so my thoughts for the week:

- rain is nice after being sunny for a week straight. and it's also nice that i can depend on georgia to bring the sun back to me.

- i realized that i don't actually enjoy hiking. and i don't think anyone really does. i mean really, who says, "man. climbing up a steep hill with lots of gear is a blast. i love being sweaty, out of breath, and sore. it's the best" ? I mean really, that just isn't realistic. I like feeling like a beast after conquering a mountain. I love the scenery. I like the smell of the trail. But the actual act of hiking? Yuck. I do however, very much enjoy camping. I like smelling like campfire. I like sleeping in a sleeping bag. I like waking up by sunlight. All great things. So conclusion? Hiking=Sucky. Camping=Awesome.

- taking a drain out of a patient's neck is not what made me pass out last week at clinical. cuz i saw one taken out this week (a bigger drain might i add) and i was fine. didnt feel the slightest bit lightheaded.

- speaking of clinicals, this was my last week on the floor of the hospital. so that was exciting. next week i'll be observing at a rehab facility.

- benadryl works pretty dang well for allergies/colds. but man, sleep will engulf you.

- i get to model a back brace this sunday. i'll make 150 bucks for only 3 hours. so awesome!

- i miss sketching. i'm too busy to do it right now.

- i can't wait to be old enough to adopt and do foster care. i want those kids to know that they are wanted and loved. and they should have a safe, loving home. always.

- i really would like another good dream soon. i love having dreams. i'm always surprised at what my brain comes up with.

- here are a few of my sketches: