the first two are nightmares. the last one is just weird.
dream 1:
it was pitch black and i was driving a boat out on a lake. i couldn't see anything because there were no lights and not even the moon was out. i just knew i was on a boat and i could tell how fast i was going by the wind and the force of the boat hitting the water. i kept looking around for the break but i couldn't see anything. i just felt the freezing cold air and the stinging water and all i could see was darkness everywhere. all i remember thinking was, "i'm going to die. i'm going to run into a tree or a house or a rock and i'm going to drown." then this dream rolled into my next one...
dream 2:
so i wake up from dream 1 in this dream and i was freaking out because it had scared me. so i tried to turn my bedside lamp on but it wouldn't turn on. i was like, "dangit! the bulb busted". i was still scared without a light on so i got up and went across the room to turn the room light on. it wouldn't turn on either. i thought that maybe a fuse had blown upstairs, so i went downstairs to fix it. i tried to turn the living room light on but it was dead too. by this time i assumed something was wrong with the power company. but i'd paid my bill, so i was confused. i lit a candle and went to pick up the phone to call the power company. i was peeved because i knew that i had paid my bill. for some reason the downstairs front door was open and even the power lights were out. i was expecting some moon or star light but even those were covered by clouds. i was annoyed, chilly because of the cold air coming through the door, and slightly nervous because it was so dark. at this point, rebekah, my roommate, comes down stairs holding something in her hands. i got closer to her and she was holding a handful of small stuffed animals. i was like, "Rebekah, what are you holding?" she said, "these were outside your bedroom door..." at that point, it hit me. i stared at her and if there was enough light you would have seen all the color leave my face. apparently (i got back knowledge somehow) there had been a serial killer that was roaming around north georgia, and he would leave stuffed animals in front of the door of his next victims. i suddenly realized that all the darkness was because he had cut the power lines and that he was in the apartment somewhere. the dream ended by kinda fading out with the knowledge that we were both going to die very soon. creepy yeah. then this dream rolled into my next one....
dream 3: i woke up again in my dream and i was freaked out again because of my nightmare. well, when i woke up, i saw this man sitting by my bedside table just staring at me. i was scared to move but afraid not to. i took my pillow and threw it at the man because i wanted to make sure he was real. well the pillow went through the man several times so i knew he wasn't real, but somehow i could still see him. i couldn't understand what was going on. the man's face eventually began to morph slowly into my friend daniel chen's face. i'm not sure why, but there daniel was smiling at me. at this point, i actually woke up.
actually awake: i was so freaked out by all of my dreams that i turned my lamp on and my overhead light and just slept with them on. haha. apparently, i am a little more afraid of the dark than i thought i was.
12.16.2009
11.17.2009
10 things i learned in college...part 2
6) Silence is sometimes the best policy.
So often I try to find the perfect words to say. I want to sound intelligent or understanding or wise. But so often words end up being a bunch of white noise. I was about to have a difficult conversation with a friend of mine and I honestly did not know what to say, so I prayed. I asked the Lord to be my mouth and to speak for me, because I did not know what to say. When I got on the phone with my friend, the situation resolved itself. My friend did most of the talking. And I stayed silent. I truly believe that the Lord closed my mouth, like He did with the lions in Daniel. And because He closed my mouth, where I would normally talk and talk, my friend ended up saying a lot of things that resolved the entire conflict. By the end of the conversation, I understood how important silence was. So when in doubt, or even when we think we've got things covered, we should pray. Stay silent, and ask Him to be our words and our mouth.
7) Above all, the most important thing is the gospel.
Denominations, personality differences, different (and unfortunately, sometimes competing) ministries. Is the gospel being preached? Then rejoice! Often, we have a tendency to draw out the differences between different churches and christian ministries. But ultimately, we are all the church. One church. The church is just the body of Christ. We are not different churches with different goals. We are the body of Christ, which is the Church, and we have one goal. One mission. And that is that the gospel would be preached to all the nations. So we should not pick apart other ministries but rejoice in the fact that they are going towards the same goal we are. Sharing the gospel with the world. And in this, incredible unity is found.
8) "Cursed is the one who can't abide."
I'm going to steal this from a shane and shane song because I can't think of a better way to put it. Satan will keep telling us when we screw up that "Cursed is the one who can't abide." And the funny thing is, he's right. We sin, and therefore, we are cursed. We cannot, out of our efforts, abide. But the incredible thing is that Satan left out the best part. Jesus saves! We cannot abide in and of ourselves. And so, Christ saved us!
"Could the father of lies, be telling the truth, of God to me tonight? If the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine. I hear him saying, "Cursed are the ones who can't abide". He's right. Alleluia! He's right! The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed. That I am cursed and gone astray. I cannot gain salvation. Oh the devil's singing over me an age old song that I am cursed and gone astray. Singing the first verse so conveniently over me. He's forgotten the refrain! Jesus Saves!
He's redeemed us from the curse of the law....Jesus Saves!"
(Embracing Accusations by Shane and Shane)
9) The Lord's will does not have to be a mystery. He has given it to us in His Word. This is it: Obey His Word. Seek Him. Trust Him. And when you screw up, get back up and focus on Him again. Speak His Word to the nations. Look forward to eternity with Him. Run the race.
"Then Jesus came to them and said, 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.'" (Matthew 28:18-20)
10) Tomorrow will be better. Today might be so bad that it seems like nothing will ever be okay again. That today is the end of your life. But it isn't. There is always tomorrow. And if tomorrow isn't better, there's always the next day. We have a very focused view. We can't see the big picture. But this horrible day is building and shaping the person that you will be in the days to come. So take it in stride. And let the Lord use it to shape you for the better. Learn from it, and keep truckin. He's right here with you.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34).
So often I try to find the perfect words to say. I want to sound intelligent or understanding or wise. But so often words end up being a bunch of white noise. I was about to have a difficult conversation with a friend of mine and I honestly did not know what to say, so I prayed. I asked the Lord to be my mouth and to speak for me, because I did not know what to say. When I got on the phone with my friend, the situation resolved itself. My friend did most of the talking. And I stayed silent. I truly believe that the Lord closed my mouth, like He did with the lions in Daniel. And because He closed my mouth, where I would normally talk and talk, my friend ended up saying a lot of things that resolved the entire conflict. By the end of the conversation, I understood how important silence was. So when in doubt, or even when we think we've got things covered, we should pray. Stay silent, and ask Him to be our words and our mouth.
7) Above all, the most important thing is the gospel.
Denominations, personality differences, different (and unfortunately, sometimes competing) ministries. Is the gospel being preached? Then rejoice! Often, we have a tendency to draw out the differences between different churches and christian ministries. But ultimately, we are all the church. One church. The church is just the body of Christ. We are not different churches with different goals. We are the body of Christ, which is the Church, and we have one goal. One mission. And that is that the gospel would be preached to all the nations. So we should not pick apart other ministries but rejoice in the fact that they are going towards the same goal we are. Sharing the gospel with the world. And in this, incredible unity is found.
8) "Cursed is the one who can't abide."
I'm going to steal this from a shane and shane song because I can't think of a better way to put it. Satan will keep telling us when we screw up that "Cursed is the one who can't abide." And the funny thing is, he's right. We sin, and therefore, we are cursed. We cannot, out of our efforts, abide. But the incredible thing is that Satan left out the best part. Jesus saves! We cannot abide in and of ourselves. And so, Christ saved us!
"Could the father of lies, be telling the truth, of God to me tonight? If the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine. I hear him saying, "Cursed are the ones who can't abide". He's right. Alleluia! He's right! The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed. That I am cursed and gone astray. I cannot gain salvation. Oh the devil's singing over me an age old song that I am cursed and gone astray. Singing the first verse so conveniently over me. He's forgotten the refrain! Jesus Saves!
He's redeemed us from the curse of the law....Jesus Saves!"
(Embracing Accusations by Shane and Shane)
9) The Lord's will does not have to be a mystery. He has given it to us in His Word. This is it: Obey His Word. Seek Him. Trust Him. And when you screw up, get back up and focus on Him again. Speak His Word to the nations. Look forward to eternity with Him. Run the race.
"Then Jesus came to them and said, 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.'" (Matthew 28:18-20)
10) Tomorrow will be better. Today might be so bad that it seems like nothing will ever be okay again. That today is the end of your life. But it isn't. There is always tomorrow. And if tomorrow isn't better, there's always the next day. We have a very focused view. We can't see the big picture. But this horrible day is building and shaping the person that you will be in the days to come. So take it in stride. And let the Lord use it to shape you for the better. Learn from it, and keep truckin. He's right here with you.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34).
10 things i learned in college...part 1
after four years in college (headed towards 5), i've learned a couple of things. the Lord has taught me so much. i've, of course, learned only the hard way, but sometimes that is the only way to learn. so here goes.
1) Behavioral changes cannot save someone.
For as long as I can remember, I would tell people to read their bibles, don't drink, pray, etc. and the summer after my freshman year of college, as a gate guard for a neighborhood pool I learned how wrong I was. A kid named Tyler would come and absolutely drive me crazy. He was only fourteen, and I guess he thought he would flirt with me while I was on shift. So he would wheel up on his skate board and park it right next to my grubby pool chair, sit down on it, and talk about everything he had done the night before. After about two weeks of visiting me everyday, I actually started to like the kid. He wasn't too bad. But everyday he would talk about the party he went to, the girls he slept with, and how drunk he got and all i could think of was, "good grief! he's only fourteen!". And i remember telling him almost daily, "Be careful. You're only fourteen. Maybe you shouldn't do that stuff. It's not good for you." etc. After one long day at work, I drove home and thought about Tyler and all his escapades. And then I realized something. If he suddenly got rid of all his drinking, sex, and partying habits, and if he started volunteering for a community organization and being kind to his parents, what would it mean? It wouldn't mean anything. He'd be a perfectly good citizen on a direct path to hell. Changing his behavior wasn't going to save him. Only the gospel could do that. Unfortunately, Tyler moved before I had this realization and so I never shared the gospel with him. I pray that the Lord will have mercy on me and send someone else to tell him about the gift that He offers.
2) There is no sin that I am "above".
I am finding that every sin that I say that I would never ever struggle with is the next sin that I struggle with. All through high school I preached sexual purity and vowed that it would never be a problem for me. This was, of course, before I had ever been in a relationship. And lo and behold, as soon as I started dating someone my freshman year of college, purity was a difficult thing to keep. I struggled and failed often with physical boundaries in our relationship. By the grace of Jesus Christ, He saved me from losing every last bit of my purity, but I still had fallen in a way I vowed to never fall. I'd always heard that pride comes before a fall, and it proved true. My pride and confidence in myself set me up for failure. And I am continually finding that this reigns true everyday. I have become someone who I never thought I would become. Done things I never thought I would have done. Hurt people in ways I never thought possible. And so now, I realize: There is absolutely no sin that I am above. I am only a few steps away from any sin. This helps when we are tempted to judge other people also. They have done nothing that we are not capable of. We are, in no way, better than them. Even if we haven't done what they have done, it is only a matter of time or circumstance. In the right circumstance, with the right variables, we would do the same things. And if we don't, it is only by the Grace of Jesus Christ. Only in His power could we ever stand against temptation.
3)The point of grace is that there literally is nothing that I can do that is bad enough to lose Christ.
If there is a sin, Christ died for it. From lying about homework to murder, Christ died on the cross for that sin. Sexual impurity, betrayal, stealing, drug addictions. All of it is covered underneath the blood of the cross. In light of this, guilt should not keep us from the Lord, but rather bring us to Him. It is my tendency that when I mess up I avoid the Lord, because I see Him as eternally disappointed with me. But He wants to heal me from that sin and hurt that I inflicted on myself! So rather than avoid spending time with Him, I should turn to Him. He isn't surprised when we screw up. He knows exactly what we're like. And that's who He loved so much that He died. He loves us as the dirty, wretched sinners that we are. And He's offering freedom from all of that. Through His blood. So just accept and rejoice.
4) Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow are two totally different things.
2 Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." These words have become so true to me in the past few years. We have a tendency after we sin, to drown ourselves in our own guilt. We figure that if we're upset about it enough, and punish ourselves enough, that we can right the wrong that we've done. But that's a lie! This is only worldly sorrow. Godly sorrow is the only way to true forgiveness and freedom. We sin, recognize it, mourn over it, and turn to the Lord. We know that He is the only one that can save us and we rely on His grace. And after turning to Him, He will begin work in that sin. He will heal us and begin to mold us into a person that can bring Him glory. Only He can do that.
5) God is good.
For years I had heard this. God is good. He is loving. He is caring. He is kind. But I never really believed it. And when you don't really believe these things, it's hard to understand that grace is real. I always said that I believed this, but when a trial came my way that seemed just too hard, I blamed God. I was angry at Him. If He was really "good" then I wouldn't have to go through that trial. I wouldn't have to hurt. Right? I was angry at God for much of my sophomore year of college and some of my junior year. And then, because of the goodness and love of Christ, I began to see the small ways that He loved me. He wasn't giving me trials to beat me into the ground. He wasn't some evil dictator in the sky playing a sick sadistic game to see how much I could handle. He wanted me to grow. He allowed me to go through these trials so that I would turn to Him. Had I never gone through that trial, I might never have truly believed in His goodness. I might have never made my faith my own. And how amazing it is now that I see Him for who He truly is! I imagine that reading this will not convince anyone that God is good. Again, it will have to be a personal understanding and revelation. But I do have one story to show how loving He is, even in the everyday little things.
This summer, at Summer Beach Project, I was sitting in church on a Sunday morning. I had been missing Austin because we had just recently broken up, and I had been on the brink of tears all morning. In the pew right in front of me, there was this sweet older couple sitting together. The husband had his arm around his wife and rather than just resting it there as if for an armrest, he was slowly rubbing her shoulder with his hand. It was such a sweet little gesture. Just a little picture to his wife that he loved her. But it tore me up. I missed that. The tenderness and sweetness. Tears welled up in my eyes and I prayed, "Lord please. I can't handle this. I need something to get me through. I miss that so much. That tenderness. Those small sweet physical touches. Please help me through this." I held back my tears until my eyes were finally dry, and I looked back up at the pastor to pay attention. At that moment, my friend Katie O'Shea, who was sitting next to me, took her arm and put it around my shoulders. She rubbed my shoulder and just kept paying attention to the sermon. She had no idea what I had just prayed for or what I was going through that morning. The Lord knew that I needed that small physical touch and He used Katie to give it to me. I smiled and praised Him. Even in the small moments like that, He is there. Loving us. Caring for us. Being good.
To be continued....
1) Behavioral changes cannot save someone.
For as long as I can remember, I would tell people to read their bibles, don't drink, pray, etc. and the summer after my freshman year of college, as a gate guard for a neighborhood pool I learned how wrong I was. A kid named Tyler would come and absolutely drive me crazy. He was only fourteen, and I guess he thought he would flirt with me while I was on shift. So he would wheel up on his skate board and park it right next to my grubby pool chair, sit down on it, and talk about everything he had done the night before. After about two weeks of visiting me everyday, I actually started to like the kid. He wasn't too bad. But everyday he would talk about the party he went to, the girls he slept with, and how drunk he got and all i could think of was, "good grief! he's only fourteen!". And i remember telling him almost daily, "Be careful. You're only fourteen. Maybe you shouldn't do that stuff. It's not good for you." etc. After one long day at work, I drove home and thought about Tyler and all his escapades. And then I realized something. If he suddenly got rid of all his drinking, sex, and partying habits, and if he started volunteering for a community organization and being kind to his parents, what would it mean? It wouldn't mean anything. He'd be a perfectly good citizen on a direct path to hell. Changing his behavior wasn't going to save him. Only the gospel could do that. Unfortunately, Tyler moved before I had this realization and so I never shared the gospel with him. I pray that the Lord will have mercy on me and send someone else to tell him about the gift that He offers.
2) There is no sin that I am "above".
I am finding that every sin that I say that I would never ever struggle with is the next sin that I struggle with. All through high school I preached sexual purity and vowed that it would never be a problem for me. This was, of course, before I had ever been in a relationship. And lo and behold, as soon as I started dating someone my freshman year of college, purity was a difficult thing to keep. I struggled and failed often with physical boundaries in our relationship. By the grace of Jesus Christ, He saved me from losing every last bit of my purity, but I still had fallen in a way I vowed to never fall. I'd always heard that pride comes before a fall, and it proved true. My pride and confidence in myself set me up for failure. And I am continually finding that this reigns true everyday. I have become someone who I never thought I would become. Done things I never thought I would have done. Hurt people in ways I never thought possible. And so now, I realize: There is absolutely no sin that I am above. I am only a few steps away from any sin. This helps when we are tempted to judge other people also. They have done nothing that we are not capable of. We are, in no way, better than them. Even if we haven't done what they have done, it is only a matter of time or circumstance. In the right circumstance, with the right variables, we would do the same things. And if we don't, it is only by the Grace of Jesus Christ. Only in His power could we ever stand against temptation.
3)The point of grace is that there literally is nothing that I can do that is bad enough to lose Christ.
If there is a sin, Christ died for it. From lying about homework to murder, Christ died on the cross for that sin. Sexual impurity, betrayal, stealing, drug addictions. All of it is covered underneath the blood of the cross. In light of this, guilt should not keep us from the Lord, but rather bring us to Him. It is my tendency that when I mess up I avoid the Lord, because I see Him as eternally disappointed with me. But He wants to heal me from that sin and hurt that I inflicted on myself! So rather than avoid spending time with Him, I should turn to Him. He isn't surprised when we screw up. He knows exactly what we're like. And that's who He loved so much that He died. He loves us as the dirty, wretched sinners that we are. And He's offering freedom from all of that. Through His blood. So just accept and rejoice.
4) Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow are two totally different things.
2 Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." These words have become so true to me in the past few years. We have a tendency after we sin, to drown ourselves in our own guilt. We figure that if we're upset about it enough, and punish ourselves enough, that we can right the wrong that we've done. But that's a lie! This is only worldly sorrow. Godly sorrow is the only way to true forgiveness and freedom. We sin, recognize it, mourn over it, and turn to the Lord. We know that He is the only one that can save us and we rely on His grace. And after turning to Him, He will begin work in that sin. He will heal us and begin to mold us into a person that can bring Him glory. Only He can do that.
5) God is good.
For years I had heard this. God is good. He is loving. He is caring. He is kind. But I never really believed it. And when you don't really believe these things, it's hard to understand that grace is real. I always said that I believed this, but when a trial came my way that seemed just too hard, I blamed God. I was angry at Him. If He was really "good" then I wouldn't have to go through that trial. I wouldn't have to hurt. Right? I was angry at God for much of my sophomore year of college and some of my junior year. And then, because of the goodness and love of Christ, I began to see the small ways that He loved me. He wasn't giving me trials to beat me into the ground. He wasn't some evil dictator in the sky playing a sick sadistic game to see how much I could handle. He wanted me to grow. He allowed me to go through these trials so that I would turn to Him. Had I never gone through that trial, I might never have truly believed in His goodness. I might have never made my faith my own. And how amazing it is now that I see Him for who He truly is! I imagine that reading this will not convince anyone that God is good. Again, it will have to be a personal understanding and revelation. But I do have one story to show how loving He is, even in the everyday little things.
This summer, at Summer Beach Project, I was sitting in church on a Sunday morning. I had been missing Austin because we had just recently broken up, and I had been on the brink of tears all morning. In the pew right in front of me, there was this sweet older couple sitting together. The husband had his arm around his wife and rather than just resting it there as if for an armrest, he was slowly rubbing her shoulder with his hand. It was such a sweet little gesture. Just a little picture to his wife that he loved her. But it tore me up. I missed that. The tenderness and sweetness. Tears welled up in my eyes and I prayed, "Lord please. I can't handle this. I need something to get me through. I miss that so much. That tenderness. Those small sweet physical touches. Please help me through this." I held back my tears until my eyes were finally dry, and I looked back up at the pastor to pay attention. At that moment, my friend Katie O'Shea, who was sitting next to me, took her arm and put it around my shoulders. She rubbed my shoulder and just kept paying attention to the sermon. She had no idea what I had just prayed for or what I was going through that morning. The Lord knew that I needed that small physical touch and He used Katie to give it to me. I smiled and praised Him. Even in the small moments like that, He is there. Loving us. Caring for us. Being good.
To be continued....
8.30.2009
Love....WHAT?
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
WHAT??? I mean, did anyone just get that the way I did? Love bears all things. That means that no matter what someone does to you, if you love them, you bear it. Everything. Cheating, lying, murder, rudeness, manipulation. You bear it. With Love. For Love.
Then it says, "believes all things". I'm sorry, but this means trust that just can't happen. Right? I mean, to believe all things that someone says to you...that's just reckless, right? Idiotic. There's no protection in that statement. That means that whenever someone says they'll do something, we should believe them if we love them. Even if they have never given us cause to believe them. If we love them, we'll believe them. This leaves us so vulnerable. Out in the open. Without our guard walls up.
This next statement's even crazier. If that's even possible. It says, "hopes all things". As if believing everything wasn't enough, we have to hope all things? This goes a step beyond belief, because belief just holds them to what they themselves promised. Hope is past that. Hope is believing they'll do things even when they aren't expected to. Hope is counting for more than the status quo.Now there's "endures all things". After bearing all things, and believing all things, and hoping all things...there is bound to be disappointment with humans. And so Love calls us to endure all things. To endure the pain. To take what came from the hope and belief. But it doesn't end here...
We are told lastly that "Love never fails". So even though we have to endure much in Love, it doesn't fail us. So there is redemption in that. Which brings me to the most mindblowing part of this whole thing.
Christ is Love.
Which, if we really believe that's true, means that He bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and that He never fails. Let me break this down.
He bears all things - which he showed us with His death on the cross for our sin. He bore the wrath of the Father that was intended for us.
He believes all things - which means that He trusts us. He loves us enough to trust us. which was shown when he gave us the responsibility and privilege of being the messengers of His Gospel.
He hopes all things - He hopes that we will be better than our sinful nature. Which again, is shown in the responsibility He has given us, and in the Spirit He has given us to help us to be free from that sin nature.
He endures all things - He has shown us this in the constant, patient, reckless love that He shows us daily, despite all of our sin and our idols. He endured the cross. He endured the wrath of God. And He endures the infidelity of His children.
He never fails - His gospel. His grace. His Love. It doesn't fail. It is the ultimate solution. It is the answer to every question. It is the only thing truly trustworthy and infallible. Hallelujah.
Just had to share that incredible light bulb moment. It was shocking to me.
Man of Sorrows
Man of Sorrows! what a name
For the Son of God, Who came
Ruined sinners to reclaim.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
In my place condemned He stood;
Sealed my pardon with His blood.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Guilty, vile, and helpless we;
Spotless Lamb of God was He;
Full atonement can it be?
Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Lifted up was He to die;
"It is finished!" was His cry;
Now in heaven exalted high.
Hallelujah! What a Savior!
When He comes, our glorious King,
All His ransomed home to bring,
Then anew His song we'll sing:
Hallelujah! What a Savior!
8.26.2009
Prayer First?
so this past monday, rebekah and i were on our way to the bcm house. she parked, and i got out of the car. i closed the car door and somehow managed to smash the door on my left thumb. i said "ouch" and looked down and was pretty surprised at the damage. i had successfully managed to crack my thumbnail from top to bottom and take a huge chunk out of the skin. anyways, i went in to the bcm house to get a bandaid and clean the blood off. i was standing at the sink cleaning the blood off with a paper towel when i suddenly felt light headed. i was in the middle of telling rebekah, "i think i need to sit do-" when i passed out.
rebekah tried to catch me on my way down with ken's help, until apparently they managed to get me lying down. i woke up a few seconds or minutes later (i'm not sure how long...i was kinda unconscious) to see people over me saying, "you're gonna be okay", "can you hear me?", and "do you feel nauseated?". i remember dry heaving and then trying to explain that i was fine. i was awkwardly laughing, because i was so embarrassed that i had passed out because i hurt my thumb, and then i passed out again. the thing that i remember most clearly in between fainting spells, however, is my friend clayton praying over me. although i was fine, and it was just my body's ridiculous reaction to pain, it was wonderful to know that someone was praying.
i apparently did something that looked like a seizure (which probably resulted from hyperventilating), and my hands were clenched up when i finally came to again. however, after the EMT's got there and about fifteen minutes, i finally regained some color in my face. i was awkwardly laughing again from embarrassment, and told the EMTs that i was fine and that i didn't need to be driven off to the emergency room. i just needed a few minutes and i'd be fine. they left after a few more minutes, and i went into the meeting and i was fine.
anyways, i tell this ridiculous story for the small detail that doesn't seem to stick out. clayton prayed for me. now granted, i was fine and i wasn't actually having a seizure, but to everyone in the room, that's what it looked like. and interestingly enough, instead of running around looking for someway to help, clayton prayed. and it made me think. why isn't that our first response all of the time? if we believe that the Lord is the ultimate healer, why isn't our first response to pray for illness or emergency, rather than pop some pills or freak out? it was a rather humbling experience for me. as i lay there on the floor of the BCM kitchen, i took in the importance of putting Him first, even in emergencies.
rebekah tried to catch me on my way down with ken's help, until apparently they managed to get me lying down. i woke up a few seconds or minutes later (i'm not sure how long...i was kinda unconscious) to see people over me saying, "you're gonna be okay", "can you hear me?", and "do you feel nauseated?". i remember dry heaving and then trying to explain that i was fine. i was awkwardly laughing, because i was so embarrassed that i had passed out because i hurt my thumb, and then i passed out again. the thing that i remember most clearly in between fainting spells, however, is my friend clayton praying over me. although i was fine, and it was just my body's ridiculous reaction to pain, it was wonderful to know that someone was praying.
i apparently did something that looked like a seizure (which probably resulted from hyperventilating), and my hands were clenched up when i finally came to again. however, after the EMT's got there and about fifteen minutes, i finally regained some color in my face. i was awkwardly laughing again from embarrassment, and told the EMTs that i was fine and that i didn't need to be driven off to the emergency room. i just needed a few minutes and i'd be fine. they left after a few more minutes, and i went into the meeting and i was fine.
anyways, i tell this ridiculous story for the small detail that doesn't seem to stick out. clayton prayed for me. now granted, i was fine and i wasn't actually having a seizure, but to everyone in the room, that's what it looked like. and interestingly enough, instead of running around looking for someway to help, clayton prayed. and it made me think. why isn't that our first response all of the time? if we believe that the Lord is the ultimate healer, why isn't our first response to pray for illness or emergency, rather than pop some pills or freak out? it was a rather humbling experience for me. as i lay there on the floor of the BCM kitchen, i took in the importance of putting Him first, even in emergencies.
Get It Done Guys...
so this will be short and mostly ridiculous because i have to rant. i've noticed lately that there's been this trend among the guys in our generation (yeah i sound like a grandma right now), where they use the term "hang out". um, i'm sorry for being slow or dull, but what the heck is that supposed to mean? i've mulled over that little annoyance for a few days, and realized something. this could be wrong, and it probably is, since i cannot understand guys for the life of me, but "hanging out" seems like it's a risk-free way of asking someone on a date. if you ask a girl on a date, there are so many things on the line. you are usually expected to pay, and then there are all of the stigmas that go along with a date. if the girl refuses a date, then it's because she isn't interested (unless she reschedules...). if a girl says no to "hanging out" then no harm, no foul right? because with "hanging out", there's no risk involved. if the girl doesn't want to hang out, then it's no biggie, because friends hang out. anyways, i've just been frustrated by the idea of "hanging out". i think it's dumb. if it's in a group setting, then that's fine. but i think i've officially decided that one on one "hang outs" are lame.
5.06.2009
i think i've been learning the power of intercessory prayer lately. my best friend and i were reading through a passage in Luke where Jesus tells Simon Peter that He prayed for him so that his faith would not fail. He also prayed that when it did fail, that he would come back stronger so that he could lead others to Him. this was incredible to me. apparently, intercessory prayer was even important for the God of all creation. Jesus prayed for His friend. and how important this must make intercessory prayer for us. it's incredible.
in my last blog i wrote about how upset i was about leaving. leaving my friends for something that felt like nothing. well, incredible news! i got into nursing school. there was a spot open. and i would say that i don't know how it happened. but i do. it wasn't by my skill at all. i shouldn't be in the program. but i have had countless people praying for me. and i could feel it. my mom, my family, friends. and austin fasted for me. he didn't know exactly what to fast about. he fasted for direction for me. but literally, the day he finished his fast, about 5 hours later, my mom called to tell me about the nursing program. now i understand that this can be seen as coincidence. but i don't care. i know what it was, because i know how impossible it would have been to get into the program without it.
and the Lord must have known that i needed that. i hate that i needed some material proof that He loves me, but i did. and still, he gave it to me. he showed me the way. and along the way, there was frustration, and anger, and confusion. but after all that time of sitting stagnant and moldy, the Lord made something beautiful of it. He gave me what i never thought was possible. and now, i see him for something that i hadn't before. i see Him as truly kind, and loving, and caring. and if all that pain led to that one conclusion, then i'm okay with it. really. it was all worth it.
and so if intercessory prayer was that important, then i have to do it for others. even if what they get out of it all is just a clearer picture of the true character of God, then i'm going to do it. and i guess that's all for tonight. or eh....this morning.
in my last blog i wrote about how upset i was about leaving. leaving my friends for something that felt like nothing. well, incredible news! i got into nursing school. there was a spot open. and i would say that i don't know how it happened. but i do. it wasn't by my skill at all. i shouldn't be in the program. but i have had countless people praying for me. and i could feel it. my mom, my family, friends. and austin fasted for me. he didn't know exactly what to fast about. he fasted for direction for me. but literally, the day he finished his fast, about 5 hours later, my mom called to tell me about the nursing program. now i understand that this can be seen as coincidence. but i don't care. i know what it was, because i know how impossible it would have been to get into the program without it.
and the Lord must have known that i needed that. i hate that i needed some material proof that He loves me, but i did. and still, he gave it to me. he showed me the way. and along the way, there was frustration, and anger, and confusion. but after all that time of sitting stagnant and moldy, the Lord made something beautiful of it. He gave me what i never thought was possible. and now, i see him for something that i hadn't before. i see Him as truly kind, and loving, and caring. and if all that pain led to that one conclusion, then i'm okay with it. really. it was all worth it.
and so if intercessory prayer was that important, then i have to do it for others. even if what they get out of it all is just a clearer picture of the true character of God, then i'm going to do it. and i guess that's all for tonight. or eh....this morning.
4.24.2009
so it's nearing the end of school, and i know i'm going to have to say goodbye to everyone. my friend put it perfectly tonight. we were all standing around on my front step and the guys were about to leave. i could tell that no one really wanted to leave. it was our last goodbye for the summer. and for me, an entire year. we all decided to meet for lunch again tomorrow. and brandon said, "we all keep looking for more reasons to spend time with each other so that we don't have to say goodbye." and that's true. i don't want to say goodbye. i mean, i don't mean to sound melodramatic. but i love these guys. and i know i will see them. but it'll just be different.
i don't normally hate change. and a part of me, however small, is looking forward to the change of pace. but i'm mostly hating the changes. i hate that i will be leaving everything. i hate that i'll be working instead of going to school. i hate that i'll be so far from everyone i love. i can't imagine how different everything will be. and i want to do something productive with my life. but i don't see where i'm headed. i just feel like i'm losing everything good. and replacing it with everything i never wanted.
i don't normally hate change. and a part of me, however small, is looking forward to the change of pace. but i'm mostly hating the changes. i hate that i will be leaving everything. i hate that i'll be working instead of going to school. i hate that i'll be so far from everyone i love. i can't imagine how different everything will be. and i want to do something productive with my life. but i don't see where i'm headed. i just feel like i'm losing everything good. and replacing it with everything i never wanted.
4.15.2009
i love the Lord. or at least, i know that i did. i can't really say i love someone who i don't spend time with. lately, it's been frustrating. i almost can't make myself talk to Him. or read His word. i keep telling myself that i need to. but everything in me revolts against it. and i feel...angry. and i'm not sure why. but that's how i feel. i need to be with Him, but there are two parts of me warring. one part is screaming to be with Him. to love Him. to trust Him. the other part is pushing against that. trudging through mud to get away from that. and that part keeps winning.
and tonight it was actually really refreshing, because my best friend told me, "brett, the best way to crack this is to just do it. to just spend time with Him. because it won't feel good at first. but it will be worth it." and he's right. and i know it. but i'm at that point where i have to crack this feeling. and it's awful. and i'm dreading it.
and for some reason, i've never felt so estranged from my family. they seem like they've got everything together. but i just don't. and i can't right now. and i think that's okay with me. at least this is real. down to earth. and i'll learn from it. i just know it. but i have to push through it. i think i'll go do that right now.
and tonight it was actually really refreshing, because my best friend told me, "brett, the best way to crack this is to just do it. to just spend time with Him. because it won't feel good at first. but it will be worth it." and he's right. and i know it. but i'm at that point where i have to crack this feeling. and it's awful. and i'm dreading it.
and for some reason, i've never felt so estranged from my family. they seem like they've got everything together. but i just don't. and i can't right now. and i think that's okay with me. at least this is real. down to earth. and i'll learn from it. i just know it. but i have to push through it. i think i'll go do that right now.
4.13.2009
feelin' groovy
Slow down, you move too fast
You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobblestones
Looking for fun and feeling groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feeling groovy
so the semester is coming to a close, and this song is exactly what i'm feeling. i just
want everything to slow down. after this semester, i have to find something to do with
my life. ha. it's...interesting. i'm just hoping i can figure out what i'm doing before
i wake up and realize that i've wasted all my years.
4.08.2009
there's a first for everything...
so i never planned on blogging. ever. but i decided that no one is probably going to read it anyways, so this was just a good way to get my thoughts out without having to write it by hand.
first thought for the blog....hmmm...this should be epic or something. eh. it's too early in the morning and i'm super sleepy, so instead, i'm just going to post a dream i had the other night.
this is based in the same basic time setting as braveheart. the dream starts off with an evil lord, who is trying to make my family and i pay a debt on our land from exhorbitant taxes. however, we can't afford the taxes because we are poor, so the lord throws us in prison. and the prison is this awful, stereotypical prison that is stone with big iron bars, a dripping roof, and rats. somehow, my family and i escape, but there was this irish family that i had grown close to in the next cell over. so i try and break them out too.
they had been put in prison for debt as well, but the husband had been put in a different cell because he killed a guard who had tried to hurt his family. anyways, i manage to break the wife and her kids out of their cell and we run to the husband's cell as fast as we can to get him out. at this point, my perspective changes, and i become the irish wife.
(as the irish wife) i come to my husband's cell and he runs to the door and holds me through the bars and kisses my forehead. i have a baby in my arms and our four year old son's hand in my hand. my husband is this huge burly man that's really muscular with long blondish hair and he's wearing a roman skirt thing and a sack slung over his left shoulder. but he's crying because he's so relieved that i'm safe. for some reason though, i look at him and am horrified. i step back and shake my head real slowly from side to side and i tell him, "you weren't just protecting us. you aren't the man i married. you're....you're a monster now. i can't have you around me and my children. don't try and find us." and so i ran out of the prison with my kids and brett (my usual self, when i'm not an irish woman with children). my perspective changes again, and i become the burly husband.
(as the burly husband) i'm still crying, and shocked at what happened. i take a few shocked stumbling steps backward toward the stone corner of my cell. and then i hear a laugh. it's this nasty low, devilish laugh. and the prison guard, who is also the evil lord, comes into my cell. he's this bald guy who's kinda buff. he's just laughing as if he saw the whole scene just play out, and he's enjoying it. suddenly, somehow, i have a dagger in my right hand, and the bottom half of a sword that has been broken in my left hand. so i charge at him and cut off his lower half. now he's just laughing at me from a torso. and then i rip his insides out so that there's a huge triangle taken out of his torso. he's literally just a pair of shoulders, a neck, a head, and a little bit of his ribs.
but he's still laughing at me. and saying, "you know what? you think your protecting your family...but i'm basically already dead. i'm going to die in the next few minutes....but you're still going to stab me with that sword again. because you're a killer. you can't be good. you keep trying to fight your nature. but you can't. you're just like me. you're a born killer, and you hate it. but that's why you're going to finish me off, instead of letting me die here."
and i was horrified with myself. i stared at my arms that were covered in his blood with the two knives in my hands, and i freaked out. i threw the knives against the wall so that i wouldn't be like him. so that i wouldn't do what he said i would do.
but the swords ricocheted. and cut off his head. and as i ran out of the cell i thought i heard him laugh...
and i just remember thinking as i ran out of the prison to find my family that i had to convince them that i wasn't a killer...even though i knew i was.
So yeah. that was my super intense deep dream. it was kinda crazy. i guess that's a pretty okay way to start off a blog. eh. who cares?
first thought for the blog....hmmm...this should be epic or something. eh. it's too early in the morning and i'm super sleepy, so instead, i'm just going to post a dream i had the other night.
this is based in the same basic time setting as braveheart. the dream starts off with an evil lord, who is trying to make my family and i pay a debt on our land from exhorbitant taxes. however, we can't afford the taxes because we are poor, so the lord throws us in prison. and the prison is this awful, stereotypical prison that is stone with big iron bars, a dripping roof, and rats. somehow, my family and i escape, but there was this irish family that i had grown close to in the next cell over. so i try and break them out too.
they had been put in prison for debt as well, but the husband had been put in a different cell because he killed a guard who had tried to hurt his family. anyways, i manage to break the wife and her kids out of their cell and we run to the husband's cell as fast as we can to get him out. at this point, my perspective changes, and i become the irish wife.
(as the irish wife) i come to my husband's cell and he runs to the door and holds me through the bars and kisses my forehead. i have a baby in my arms and our four year old son's hand in my hand. my husband is this huge burly man that's really muscular with long blondish hair and he's wearing a roman skirt thing and a sack slung over his left shoulder. but he's crying because he's so relieved that i'm safe. for some reason though, i look at him and am horrified. i step back and shake my head real slowly from side to side and i tell him, "you weren't just protecting us. you aren't the man i married. you're....you're a monster now. i can't have you around me and my children. don't try and find us." and so i ran out of the prison with my kids and brett (my usual self, when i'm not an irish woman with children). my perspective changes again, and i become the burly husband.
(as the burly husband) i'm still crying, and shocked at what happened. i take a few shocked stumbling steps backward toward the stone corner of my cell. and then i hear a laugh. it's this nasty low, devilish laugh. and the prison guard, who is also the evil lord, comes into my cell. he's this bald guy who's kinda buff. he's just laughing as if he saw the whole scene just play out, and he's enjoying it. suddenly, somehow, i have a dagger in my right hand, and the bottom half of a sword that has been broken in my left hand. so i charge at him and cut off his lower half. now he's just laughing at me from a torso. and then i rip his insides out so that there's a huge triangle taken out of his torso. he's literally just a pair of shoulders, a neck, a head, and a little bit of his ribs.
but he's still laughing at me. and saying, "you know what? you think your protecting your family...but i'm basically already dead. i'm going to die in the next few minutes....but you're still going to stab me with that sword again. because you're a killer. you can't be good. you keep trying to fight your nature. but you can't. you're just like me. you're a born killer, and you hate it. but that's why you're going to finish me off, instead of letting me die here."
and i was horrified with myself. i stared at my arms that were covered in his blood with the two knives in my hands, and i freaked out. i threw the knives against the wall so that i wouldn't be like him. so that i wouldn't do what he said i would do.
but the swords ricocheted. and cut off his head. and as i ran out of the cell i thought i heard him laugh...
and i just remember thinking as i ran out of the prison to find my family that i had to convince them that i wasn't a killer...even though i knew i was.
So yeah. that was my super intense deep dream. it was kinda crazy. i guess that's a pretty okay way to start off a blog. eh. who cares?
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