i love the Lord. or at least, i know that i did. i can't really say i love someone who i don't spend time with. lately, it's been frustrating. i almost can't make myself talk to Him. or read His word. i keep telling myself that i need to. but everything in me revolts against it. and i feel...angry. and i'm not sure why. but that's how i feel. i need to be with Him, but there are two parts of me warring. one part is screaming to be with Him. to love Him. to trust Him. the other part is pushing against that. trudging through mud to get away from that. and that part keeps winning.

and tonight it was actually really refreshing, because my best friend told me, "brett, the best way to crack this is to just do it. to just spend time with Him. because it won't feel good at first. but it will be worth it." and he's right. and i know it. but i'm at that point where i have to crack this feeling. and it's awful. and i'm dreading it.

and for some reason, i've never felt so estranged from my family. they seem like they've got everything together. but i just don't. and i can't right now. and i think that's okay with me. at least this is real. down to earth. and i'll learn from it. i just know it. but i have to push through it. i think i'll go do that right now.